Belinda shares her story and reflections after losing her beautiful son to suicide 19 years ago.
Content note: This blog mentions abuse.
So after 19 years I now feel I can put this down into words how my life changed forever. I was a single mum, 4 beautiful children, 3 girls and 1 boy. We had had a troubled life, however we had good times too and although life was hard, we had fun, love and laughs whenever we could.
Our life changed the day we discovered my boy had been abused. I felt that I had let him down. The abuse understandably left him emotionally scarred and this lead to him becoming more and more depressed, even as a child. At 17 he took his own life along with his friend. Devastation is an understatement. I felt my world had ended too.
We had the police and press, we were all over the newspaper, local news… struggling with his death was bad enough but dealing with all the recognition that came with it was horrendous. Everywhere we went people recognised us. Life would be, and never has been, the same again. I cannot comprehend the grief and loss to lose to a child – it stays forever. The fact it never leaves you is one thing, however the fact that he felt so low he was prepared to end his life… they were prepared to take their lives.
Every year, December is the worst month for me. I promise myself this year, this year I will get through. This year I will enjoy the Christmas build up – the parties, family gatherings, jingle bells and Christmas tress. Every December I stumble, fall and break.
My life has improved for the better in other ways, but the anniversary month and I still miss him. He’s my boy after all… my son. He will always be carried in my heart, I will see him again one day. He’s waiting for me, patiently. So as we come up to ‘that time of year’ again I start to prepare for my heart to break again.
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